Why Suicide Isn’t Selfish

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greiving, Mental disorder, Mental Health, opinion piece, selfish, selfless, stigma, suicide, suicide motivation, suicide prevention

If you or a loved one is struggling with thoughts of suicide, you can call 911 or the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or 1-800-SUICIDE (784-2433). 

This is purely an opinion piece.  You are allowed to disagree with me.  However, if you do and wish to leave a comment, please be respectful.

One of the common arguments against suicide is that it is a selfish act.  If this idea prevents you from committing suicide then that’s good for you.  But constantly telling a suicidal person that this act would be selfish doesn’t always have a positive effect on them.

According to the definition, to be selfish means to be excessively concerned with oneself without regard for others.  One may be able to link suicide to selfishness in terms of the lack of regard for others.  When someone dies they may be physically abandoning someone.  But is that also the case if the person committing suicide is a complete outcast and has absolutely no one who is concerned?  Is this suicide no longer selfish? The other component of selfishness says that someone is overly concerned with their own welfare or advantage.  A person committing suicide may be getting out of some life annoyances.  Maybe they don’t have to deal with grief, pay an enormous bill, suffer in prison, or deal with troublesome people.  But even so, what else are they getting out of their suicide?  Absolutely nothing.  They may have forfeited those annoyances, but they won’t even be able to feel the relief (this point may differ according to different religious or afterlife beliefs).  If they aren’t getting anything in return I find it hard to characterize the action as being selfish. Furthermore, although the comeback has been used often, should it not also be selfish for a family member or friend to demand that a suicidal person live because of their own feelings?  I believe it is best that this suicidal person does live, however, to demand they live just based off of your own feelings would still be selfish.  You should encourage them to live not only because you would miss them but also because they have much to offer the world and the world has much to offer them.

An outsider may view a suicide as selfish because this person has abandoned their loved-ones.  However, this person may have had selfless intent.  Some individuals commit suicide because of their own costly medical or other bills or because they think they are a burden to some extent.  I don’t believe anyone should kill themselves even for these reasons, but it is often the case.  But is the suicide selfish when the motivation was not?

If an individual has already committed suicide, calling that person selfish will probably not help the grieving family and friends.  The loved ones are suffering a tremendous loss and are probably overwhelmed with many confusing or conflicting emotions.  Some may even be accusing the victim of being selfish in an effort to understand the dreadful event.  But many others do not have these thoughts and would not wish anyone to have ill-thoughts about their loved one.

Overall there is no point in asking if a suicide was selfish or not.  If anyone is struggling with thoughts of suicide it is better to let them talk to you or refer them to a therapist than to tell them the action would be selfish and leave it at that.  If anyone is suffering because of this loss then it would be better to focus attention onto them rather than trying to understand the victim’s motivation.  For your own healing it’s better to try to put aside anger and reflect upon the good moments in the victim’s life or your life together than to try and determine whether the act was selfish or not.

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A Year in Review

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bullying, cyber bullying, molestation, nonsuicidal, privilege, rape, romanticizing, scars, Self inflicted violence, Self Injury, self-abuse, Self-harm, self-harm alternatives, self-harm relapses, Self-mutilation, sexual abuse, sexual assault, SI, SIV, suicide, suicide hotline

I’m very thankful for the success of this blog and all the views, followers, likes, and comments I have received.  I plan on continuing with my writing for awhile but I thought that I would do an overview of all that I have discussed this year in regards to self-harm.  Feel free to click on any of the titles if you wish to read the post in its entirety.

What: Although self-harm has recently gained popularity, it is far from being a brand new phenomenon.  Self-harm can be suicidal or non-suicidal, usually used as a coping mechanism.  It goes by many names: self-injury, self-mutilation, self-inflicted violence, etc.  There are many different modes through which individuals harm themselves.  Some of the most common are cutting, burning, and even substance abuse.

Why: Sometimes self-harm results from mental disorders (depression, bipolar, borderline, or other disorders) or trauma.  Some common motivations for those who engage in non-suicidal self-harm include but are not limited to: to distract, to feel instead of being emotionally numb, to have a sense of control, to express emotions, to feel better.

Media: The media can have some negative effects on the reputation of self-harm as well as on those who partake in it.  Sometimes media representation lumps self-injurers into the category of attention seekers or creates other negative stigmas.  Images can be triggering.  But media can also be positive.  It can allow people to understand self-harm or allow people to share their success stories and maybe inspire others.  And you know, this blog and stuff.

Confessing or receiving confessions:  It can be difficult to confess your self-harm out of fear that the individual will not understand or may even be disgusted by you.  When you have found a trust-worthy person to confess to try to be as comfortable as possible, focus on your emotions as opposed to gory details, and give them time to process.  If someone is confessing to you try to remain calm, accept that these are coping techniques, do not make threats about ratting them out, don’t let them dwell on details, and assist them in seeking help.

Alternatives: When the urge to harm persists, some people like to use alternatives.  To find the best alternative it may be best to learn what triggers you or your motivation for harm.  Different alternatives address different motivations, such as to express emotions, release tension, to sooth, to have control, or simply to feel pain.

Relapses:  Unfortunately, many individuals relapse when they are trying to quit.  Some are triggered by dramatic events, stress, depression, or loss of hope.  Relapsing can be devastating, especially when you have been doing so well with your recovery.  It is important not to give up after you slip up.  Relapse is very common.  How many days you have been self-harm free aren’t nearly as important as how you are growing as an individual and learning better ways to cope.

Cyber-bulling: Bullying can be one trigger for self-harm.  Cyber-bullying is one form of bullying that utilizes electronics and has become common.  Sometimes it is used in conjunction with in-person physical or verbal bullying, but sometimes it stands alone.  Some try to deny that cyber-bullying is a problem by saying that it is easily avoidable or it’s not physical aggression.  It can be a problem, however, because it is rampant, can be public, can be anonymous, and people have been greatly affected by it already.

Suicide Prevention: Suicide is a tragic end for some individuals who are suffering.  It is wrapped up in negative stigmas of being cowardly or selfish, which aren’t helpful for those who want to find help.  As a friend it can be important to monitor whether or not someone is being suicidal.  If you or someone is feeling suicidal, please call a suicide hotline such as 1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433) or any local hotline.  Don’t be afraid to reach out to a loved one or see a counselor.

Living with Scars:  Some individuals who have self-harmed have physical scars.  Some may chose to cover them up to feel more comfortable.  Others may wish to show their scars and not be ashamed of their past.  Either option is completely fine but be aware that others may be suspicious.  It is also important to let your scars heal.  Your scars do not define you.

Feeling like a hypocrite: It can be difficult to encourage others not to self-harm when you harm yourself.  Some may think you are a hypocrite and reject your advice or you may think this yourself.  However, you advice may be important because you may be able to relate and perhaps help each other.

Romanticizing:  One issue with self-harm is its depiction as something beautiful or artistic.  Some may take pictures or write poetry in an effort to make the act seem romantic.  This can be troubling in that it perpetrates the idea that self-harm is ok and can make it even more difficult to quit.  You can be beautiful with your scars but self-harm itself is never beautiful.

Privilege:  One negative stigma against depression is that some people’s lives are “too good” to warrant depression.  Environment can have an impact on mood, however, just because someone has it worse does not mean that the situations of everyone else can be ignored.  Sometimes depression is solely biochemical, so a “good life” wouldn’t do much.  Furthermore, no one should be depressed.  Everyone deserves help if they need it.

Fear of annoying others: When our troubles don’t fade away it can feel like we may annoy those we confide in.  To avoid frustrating others it may be helpful to find someone as understanding as possible, be specific, make an effort to fix your problems, and if this individual is not a psychologist then don’t treat them as one.  If someone is confiding in you remember that they aren’t trying to frustrate you, try not to dismiss their pain, and remember that you aren’t a therapist.

Sexual assault: Some individuals turn to self-harm due to the trauma of being sexually abused.  Sexual assault can happen to anyone and often leaves long-term distress in the form of mental health or relationship problems.  If someone you know has been sexually assaulted or is confiding in you remember not to criticize them for situations they were in, give them space to open up when they feel comfortable, be careful with physical contact, and reassure them that their assault isn’t their fault.

Thank you for reading and I hope to have new content soon!

Suicide Prevention

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bullying, LGBT, LGBTQ, Mental disorder, Mental Health, National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, National Suicide Prevention Week, negative stigma, reaching out, Self-harm, stigma, Substance abuse, suicide, survivors, transgender, Trevor Project, United States, World Suicide Prevention Day

World Suicide Prevention Day is observed annually on the 10th of September.

Just as the name states, this day was made to inform the public of the severity of suicide and also in an effort to abolish the negative stigma that surrounds suicide.

Negative stigma:  Just like self-harm, suicide can often have negative stigmas that can prevent people from reaching out.  Some people may think suicide is “the easy way out.”  They may consider people with suicidal thoughts mentally deranged.  Sometimes the sufferer may even be called selfish for wanting to abandon his family and friends.   With all these ideas that make the victim look like a “bad person”, it can be difficult for someone with suicidal thoughts to reach out for help.  We need to assure these people that we want to help them through this tough time, rather than trying to guilt them into giving the idea up.

Why do we need to know about suicide?  Even if it isn’t affecting you or your family directly, suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the United States.  And maybe it isn’t affecting you at the moment, but it could.  If a friend or family member becomes suicidal it can be helpful to be able to see these signs and offer help.

How can you help?  

What puts an individual at risk?  Some risk factors include mental disorders (depression, bipolar, anxiety, schizophrenia, substance abuse, and the like), family history of suicide, chronic pain, as well as previous suicide attempts.  But don’t think that every person who fits any one of these descriptions is suicidal; they are just a possible factors.    Stressful environments (deadlines,  loss of a loved one, financial burdens, etc.) can also be huge components.

How do you know if someone might be suicidal?  An individual may be suicidal if he frequently talks about suicide, feels anxious and irritated, feels worthless, becomes withdrawn, feels like a burden or similar feelings that may make him think that life isn’t worth living.

What can you do?  Some people may joke about suicide.  This can be upsetting as well as confusing.  To be on the safe side, take what the individual says seriously.  Talk to him about what came across as suicidal.  If said individual was being suicidal, let him know you care.  Help him seek professional assistance.  Contact any professionals the individual is seeing already (psychiatrists, psychologists, etc.)  If it can be avoided, try not to leave the individual alone, especially somewhere he can access weaponry.  About 50% of suicides are committed using firearms.  You can call 911 or the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or 1-800-SUICIDE (784-2433) for help, whether you yourself are considering suicide or are caring for an individual.  There are also hotlines for individual states that you can look up if you need them.

Later on:  Unfortunately, preventing someone from committing suicide once doesn’t guarantee that the idea won’t cross the individual’s mind again.  It’s important to follow up.  If  the individual began seeing a psychologist, make sure he is keeping up with his visits.  If the individual was prescribed medication, make sure he is taking the correct dosage.  Some people may not like all the attention, so try not to pry more than necessary.  But support can save a life, so try to offer a hand.

How can you get help?

Reach out:  Just like with self-harm, finding a caring and trusting individual with whom you can disclose your thoughts of suicide can be extremely helpful.  Find a friend, family member, significant other, counselor, etc. to unload these feelings too.  Sometimes talking about it is enough, but sometimes it isn’t.  What is important is building a support system that you can go to frequently without being put down or ridiculed for your thoughts.  I know that for myself I always hated intervention.  It would be hard to tell my friends about my suicidal thoughts.  Not because talking to them made me feel worse, but because I feared that they would tell a school counselor or my parents.  And if someone is telling you these thoughts you probably should contact a counselor or parents.  I just hated making a big deal about it and possibly disrupting my homework-packed schedule.  The thing to realize is your life is important.  I know it can be inconvenient and annoying to get help or just attention, but if it saves your life it’s worth it.  If your friend tells your parents about your suicidal thoughts, don’t be offended or think the friend is untrustworthy.  Your friend just cares.  So try your best to be willing to talk to people.

The Trevor Project:  As I said in my last post, victims of bullying may resort to self-harm or suicide.  One group that is particularly affected by bullying and suicide is LGBTQ (Lesbian Gay Bisexual Transgender Questioning/Queer) youth and adults.  The American Association of Suicidology reports that about two or three times as many LBG high school students attempted or considered suicide in comparison to straight students (it is difficult to get an exact count since death reports don’t include identity or orientation, and those things may be unknown to the parent as well).  Although there is less data, one study states that 30% of adults who identify as transgender have attempted suicide in comparison to about 5% of adults in the US overall.  The Trevor Project was created in 1998 to help LGBTQ teens and young adults (ages 13 – 24) if they are thinking about suicide or if they need support in general.  The Trevor Project offers a lifeline that you can call at 1-866-488-7386.  You can also communicate via text or chat .  You can find these resources and more at their website, http://www.thetrevorproject.org/.

Survivors of Suicide:  Suicides can obviously devastate families.  Friends, family, significant others, or really anyone you communicate with can be affected some how.  Deaths in and of themselves are tragic enough.   With suicide, the survivors (those with a relation to the individual who committed suicide) often blame themselves for the action.  Some survivors may even consider suicide now even if they hadn’t prior.  In other words, suicide is a traumatic event, and these survivors often need support too.  Grieving periods will be different for everyone.  Be respectful and don’t try to force “fun” onto them.  Be there for them, but allow them time to heal.  For more information in regards to survivors you can check out this link: http://www.survivorsofsuicide.com/

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Of course this is a heavy subject, both emotionally and information-wise, so I was only able to scratch the surface.  Remember that suicide prevention and awareness goes well beyond this day.  Reach out if you need to and support if you can.

With love and support,

The Empathetic Activist

Cyber-bullying, self-harm, and suicide

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ask.fm, bullying, coping, cyber bullying, Cyberbullying, depression, Facebook, Hannah Smith, media, Mental disorder, Mental Health, Mood disorder, non-suicidal self-harm, physical abuse, Self Injury, Self Injury Awareness, self-abuse, Self-harm, Self-Harm Awareness, self-injurious behavior, Self-mutilation, SI, SI awareness, SIV, Social media, suicide, verbal abuse

Dear Reader,

One possible initiator of self-harm can be bullying.  Bullying of some shape or form has been around for ages.  Cyber-bullying is defined as using electronic means (cell phones, text messages, email, social media sites, private messaging, etc.) to harass, threaten, or intimidate someone. It doesn’t seem surprising that the internet can be used to communicate hate, but even still there’s a lot of controversy surrounding the whole issue.

I try not to read too much into jokes I see or snide comments I hear, but it’s always difficult not to be affected.  From the general comments I see on my Facebook news feed day to day, many people want to argue that cyber bullying “isn’t even real”.

Why doesn’t everyone think cyber-bullying is a problem?

• You can avoid it:  People may start sending you nasty messaging or making obscene comments on your profile of whatever social media site.  So?  For most sites you can block or report users.  Yes, that’s true.  You can block people.  But that’s usually not going to solve the problem 100%.  It’s hard to forget a negative remark, especially if it attacks something personal to you.  If you aren’t so keen with your weight and someone comments it, it’s probably going to be upsetting.  If you’ve been struggling with thoughts of self-harm or suicide and someone says that you should go through with them, it can be difficult to continue resisting the urge.  So even if you can successfully block the person and stop their comments, you may still be affected by that which was said previously.  And in cases of extreme cyber-bullying, blocking the perpetrator might not stop them.  Someone make continue making more and more fake accounts just to get under your skin.
• It’s just words.  “Real life” bullies can physically harm you.  Okay, yes, you can’t punch someone through the computer screen (and hopefully that isn’t invented soon).  But even with in-person bullying the physical assault might not be the worst part.  I know in some cases it can get extremely bad and I’m not saying physical assault is less terrible than verbal.  The point I’m making is that verbal assault is also terrible.

Why is it a problem?

• It’s rampant.   I’ve personally seen cases of it very often on social media sites I’ve been on.  Usually on the less extreme end, where the offender insults you for a while but doesn’t continue harassment afterwards.  I’ve seen cyber-bullying when an individual posts pictures of him/herself and is insulted on appearance.  Or something as trivial as stating an opinion on a public post and being called stupid because it doesn’t match the thought process of the bully.
• It can be public.  Although some bullying can be done via private messaging, a lot can be done publicly.  The world wide web is a huge audience.  And while a huge audience can be beneficial when witnesses see the bullying and support you, sometimes they may gang up with the bully.
• Anonymity.  Some sites give the option to submit things anonymously.  Anonymity isn’t always a bad thing.  Maybe you want to send someone  a sweet compliment but would be too embarrassed for that person to know it’s you.  Maybe you want to state your opinion on something but fear being attacked.  Anonymity can be helpful in these instances.  But on the other hand, sometimes it is used as a disguise to harass people.
• People have already been affected by it.  Some individuals are self-harming or committing suicide because of being bullied online.  In my opinion, that alone makes this a serious issue.

Now instead of more general cyber bullying remarks, I want to discuss something specific.  Recently fourteen-year-old Hannah Smith hanged herself after being bullied on a social media site called Ask.fm.  Through this site you can ask other users questions and have the option to be anonymous.  As I said before, an anonymous feature can be abused and used to hurt people.  But what is most controversial about this issue is that when the company traced the IP addresses of the posters, the majority of these were from Hannah’s computer.  This idea may seem strange to many.  Some of the bullies were real, but most of the comments were from Hannah.  From the standpoint of a person who self-harms, this isn’t all too shocking.  As I’ve said before, self-harm is more than just cuts or burns.  In fact, it’s more than just physical abuse.  Belittling yourself relentlessly can also be a form of self-harm.  Although I’m nowhere near the same situation Hannah was in, I have verbally abused myself time and time again.  I’ve sent hate mail to my own email address, calling myself useless and stupid.  Usually whenever I cut myself I will call myself harsh names or tell myself that I’m worthless.  And when I try to avoid self-harm by writing down my thoughts, the ideas are usually quite cruel against myself.  And I did all of this without ever really being bullied (a few cruel comments here and there, but nothing severe).  It’s not surprising to me that someone who was bullied would do the same to herself.  Maybe not as an alternative to self-harm, but as a form of self-harm itself.  As I said before, it’s not hard to start believing what the bullies tell you.

I brought up the last point because lately whenever I read about Hannah Smith’s death from posts on social media sites, I see so many responses about how she was weak-skinned for letting comments affect her.  Comments like that, as well as the ones that say cyber bullying isn’t a “real” form of bullying, bug me immensely.  Okay, maybe cruel comments towards you don’t hurt you.  Good for you!  And I’m not even being sarcastic; that is really good.  But they can hurt some people and it doesn’t mean that person is weak.  It means he is hurting.  And when we see someone hurting, we should want to help.

With never-ending support,

The empathetic activist